Bizzare letter to http://www.raptureletters.com

Dear Rapture Service,

Wow, i just read your really cool web site about this thing you call the "rapture." It sounds amazing and powerful. Is it real? Can it be true? Thanks so much for building a web site that shares the TRUTH with the people of this earthly realm. I'm not a religious person myself, but after reading your message about how millions of people will disappear, i am starting to rethink my position. Maybe Jesus christ is real and powerful just like you say. Hmmmm... I wonder what Buddah would think?

So more about this "rapture" thing. I can't stop singing that Blondie song, you know, the one with the Fab 5 Freddie rap in it! It's stuck in my head!! Your web site says that all believers of Jesus Christ will one day in a simultantous burst of hilarious exploding energy be forcefully sucked up the invisible tube to "heaven." Like, all at once, frozen in the position they are in while they are doing their daily routines like dropping quarters in electronic slot machines, stuffing their lips with chewing tobacco at the NASCAR race, or perhaps even banging their heads at Billy Ray Cirus concerts!?!? (By the way, who do you think has nicer hair Billly Ray Cirus, Jesus H. Christ, or Joan Jett?) I for one would not want to be stuck in the invisible tube that sucks these poor souls up to heaven. If you're looking for me, I'll be laying naked in bed watching season 2 of Deadwood and drinking some gin & tonics.

Back to the rapture after-party. You were saying that once all the believers get to vacation forever more in heaven. So the believers are sucked up into heaven (which TOTALLY exists, by the way, cuz i read it on the Internets), all the nonbelievers will be allowed to finally sit on earth and do our thing? You know, our THANG? We can lick goat's blood off rusty knives while masturbating in peace and quiet and not have to deal with the annoying cable access TV shows that are on really late when we come home drunk and stoned and have a hard time sleeping. This will leave SO MUCH more room on the airwaves for really cool knife infomercials and Richard Simmons exercise programs and other valuable information. Bring on the Rapture! I need me some new knives real soon!

Let the high heavens suck away. Suck on sucky heaven! Do you think the bible is accurate? I mean, do you think that the pictures in the Bible are accurate? When Jesus Christ returns "in the flesh" as you say, i hope he's really really built and has a smooth [hairless] muscular chest. Not one as big as Fabio's, but possibly as sculptured as that of Russell Crow in the movie The Gladiator. Hot! I hope he'll join the party of nonbelievers and we can watch cool movies together like Evil Dead Part 2, the Exorcist and Evil Bride of Chuckie. I've always kind of pictured it being that way, in the end of the world. That when JC would return to the Earth to look at all the damage his people caused, that he'd appear as a white human male and he would be terribly handsome. This is REALLY off topic, but I wonder what Jesus would look like in a magenta half shirt, with his ripped abs exposed. I'll just have to wait for the Y3K Rapture party to find out. I can't wait!

Love,Wendy

ps. Can you like, send me one of those awesome souveneir letters you were talking about on your web site? I have this lil' publication, and i think that letter would be perfect to republish.

p.p.s. Your web site said nothing of the existence of HELL, which is where i truly hope to be burning for the rest of eternity with all the other people in the world who have non-Christian religious beliefs. Or none at all. There are a few of us here on Earth. Also, remember the wise words of Pat Benetar who said, Hell is for Children.