on edge and i like it

Last Saturday, I was relaxing in bed watching The 7UP Series on DVD with my hon. Suddenly, my contact pulled a bitch right out my socket, so I had to pause film & take a break to reinstate full vision. As I walked to the bathroom mirror, wearing only underwear, I was unexpectedly faced with a RAT charging full-speed at me, darting left and right as I began to hop and jump around on one foot in a desperate attempt to save one appendage. The fact that I was nude somehow made this one zillion times more scary and disturbing. I've heard rats can crawl up your leg!

I stood on the bathroom counter for a while, screeching "Eww! Eww! Ewwww!" paralyzed, terrified and disgusted. Then I hopped over to the dining room and stood on a chair there for a while, afraid to pass the couch where the rat was hiding. I've seen plenty of mice run under the couch and hide there over the years, and I'm beginning to wonder if there is some kind of entrance under there to an elaborate system of rodent tunnels.

Since then, I'm completely on edge. I mean, a mouse is one thing. But this sucker was a full-blown rat. They bit through cement, spread the plague, and they have really long, creepy tails. Rats gnaw. Rats bite sleeping children. Worse, they are able to swim for 30 seconds a time, so they are able to (brace yourself) get into plumbing and emerge from toilets! Oh dear god. This thing was exiting MY bathroom.

The result of last weekend's run-in has left me a nervous wreck. Last night, I heard a "fwap!" coming from the kitchen at 4 AM and I couldn't get back to sleep until 6:30AM, all the while suspecting the rat was on my bed (even though it was just my leg muscles twitching). Each moment I think about it, as I am right now, I will flinch if something in my peripheral vision moves. If the fridge shifts gears, I jump. I startle at anything grey or black laying on the floor, whether it's the remote control or the sewing machine pedal. I have to stare down into the toilet each time I pee, because I just KNOW that fucker is gonna swim back into my apartment when I least expect it. I have post-traumatic rat syndrome.

This week, I have been very, very, very alert. The upside of this is that a nice jolt to the system kind of feels good, once the dread melts away. It's a mini rush, a jump start to the pulse reminding you are alive with a robust beating of the heart. Who needs caffeine!?!?! Dammit, I've had 57 heart attacks. I'm shopping online for a pacemaker.