Fatty Bootcamp: Week 1

The ongoing joke throughout my 20s was that I was going to join a gym when I'm 30. I was half joking, but also serious about needing to get in shape and make health more of a priority in my life, which has basically consisted of consuming a case or more of beer each week for the past 10 years. I haven't been part of any physical activity since 1988 and even then, I sat on the bench a lot.

As I approached 30, I started making New Year’s resolutions that would ease me into the new paradigm. For 2003 it was "stop drinking booze on a daily basis." Done! For 2004 my resolution was "drink more water." Done! For 2005, my resolution was "give up caffeine on a daily basis." Done! Now that I've got all my drinking in check, it's time to step it up. I think exercising was a resolution back in the last century for a few repeated years, but nothing ever happened. So this time, I've done it. I paid $375 for 6 weeks of pure torture. I've joined an intense outdoor training bootcamp, in order to get myself to exercise regularly.

So here I am, attempting to conquer my goal. This is what you do when you're 30, right? For my friend Marybeth's birthday, her goal was to do something daring, because she's not very much of a risk taker. She constructed a ramp, and drove her bike off the edge landing in a slimy, smell lake. At the time, i thought she was crazy, but now I'm beginning to think she was wise to conquer her fear in one fell swoop. By the end of the night, she was back at the bar having some drinks.

To prepare for my own ordeal, I decided to go for a few prep jogs and hikes last week and over the weekend. The first attempt at jogging around the block was a failure to the extreme. After 2 blocks I felt like I'd swallowed a bucket of rancid cottage cheese and chlorine. I tried again a few blocks later and the results were the same. Burning pain followed by an immediate and strong desire to lay down on the sidewalk and take a nap. Fuck! How do they do it?, I thought. Is this even possible for me?

On Sunday, we went for an 8.2 mile hike to the top of Bald Mountain (elevation 2,729 feet) in Sonoma. It was 85 degrees out and about three quarters of the hike was in full sun. It was so incredibly hot, I found myself crouching like a bug on the ground under a 2 foot bush in order to avoid the burning rays, but it provided very little relief. It was a gorgeous hike, except for when the trail turned into a paved road halfway up. There's no pavement in nature! It was too late to turn back at that point, so we did it. It's been hard to walk since then, but I'm glad I tried. Hiking is going to be my new thing, I've decided. Hiking should be called "strenuous, sweaty nature walking."

Today was the first official day of bootcamp, the physical assessment. They had us fill out a form that asked, "Is there anything you can think of that would prevent you from taking the assessment test?" I wrote, "I love beer and I'm lazy." I read online they were going to make us run a timed mile and a half on the first day. I had a stomach ache all last night thinking about this feat. Luckily, we ran out of time and only had time for the other humiliating tests. Here are my results:

Push-ups: 1 (I cheated, but he gave me 1 for effort)
Crunches: 56
Reach and stretch: 12 (flexibility test)
Running: I huffed through a .25 mile (one lap) as a warm up.

Three of the 5 other people completed 25 pushups. The men did crazy crunches, while the women all averaged about 40-50 crunches. I missed the reach and stretch test for everyone else, so I don't know how I did, but it fucking hurt.

The worst part about the day was seeing the very good looking instructor with his muscles hulking through his clothes holding that clamp. You know the one. The blubber clamp! He made small talk as he lifted my shirt and pinched lil' Wendy and measured her! What a disconcerting moment. Handsome man has his hands on my tender white flesh while holding that horrifying tool, discovering the secret to my excess. I ignored the numbers he was yelling out to his assistant and daydreamed about eating a stack of pancakes. Tomorrow we have the day off but Thursday is going to be the unavoidable run. Wish me luck and hold my flask for me.