Dear Dick Cheney, your daughter is GAY!

I just returned from staff retreat. It was a 2-day affair, filled with team bonding, budget and program planning meetings, shared meat-based meals, and a whole lot of crying babies. What was most interesting to me was the glimpse into the lives of my coworkers, straight married couples with children.

I live in a world where politicians actively work to prevent adults who love each other from getting married. Meanwhile, I know married people who refuse to hug each other and talk to each other as if they are enemies, but somehow they deserve to have more rights than me. I am in a long-lasting, voluntary, monogamous, adult relationship based on love with someone of the same gender. We treat each other with respect, support each other, show affection and compassion and trust each other deeply. We hold no secrets from each other, share all of our possessions including money. We are stable and committed, have no criminal background, and pay our taxes on time.

At the staff retreat, one of the meetings was facilitated by a psychologist who discussed the importance of giving and receiving hugs, particularly for individuals who have been the victim of trauma or abuse. As we discussed this, the group suggested that my coworker Mr. Clueless give his wife Mrs. Clueless a hug for the demonstration. Mrs. Clueless quickly snapped, "Yeah right! I don't think so!" revealing the lack of physical intimacy in their marriage. They have two children who are not reprimanded when they hit other kids, which is very often as I learned on this trip. I daydreamed about returning home for a long, much-needed stress relieving hug. I thought about how in my relationship, we hug and kiss each other at least 50 times a day.

Later, in a meeting about improving our communication skills, another married couple revealed that they normally communicate with each other by yelling, arguing and speaking in hostile tones. I thought about how, in our house, we never raise our voice at each other and if we ever argue, we immediately apologize and take responsibility for being unfair or irrational.

Both of these examples reminded me of another married couple I know, who often yell and scream at each other in front of their friends. They also keep secrets about money from each other, refusing to share the same bank account or let each other look at one another's ATM receipts. He has a secret stash of porn that she can never know about. She flirts with a guy in her office who makes her feel special. All of this makes me wonder: what is so "sacred" about this institution that is defined as solely between a man and a woman? And how sacred it is, really, when you get down to it? Britney Spears? Need I say more? Is it the connection between marriage and God? "Marriage" is a word that people assume is wholly owned by religion, but actually it's wholly owned by the state (see: Massachusetts). Millions of married heterosexual couples don't even believe in God. Some are even atheists!



I thought about all this on the hour an a half drive back from the retreat to my little bubble of perfection in San Francisco. I wondered how my relationship could possibly affect all these legally wed couples that don't understand each other. They disrespect and downright loathe each other. They fight about money, lie to each other, they undermine each other, ignore one another, even cheat on each other. These people aren't the exception either. It's a fact that almost half of all marriages end in divorce. But somehow, my marriage will destroy that? And by denying me more than 1,000 federal rights, this somehow helps them. But how?