Puking up a dog in my garden

Meet Sam. He's one of those annoying lap dogs that you can't even believe that someone actually owns, no less pays thousands of dollars to obtain. I was dogsitting this little pest one time and he wouldn't leave my side. He was scratching at the shower door while I was in there, trying to enjoy some private time, so I had to let him in with me. Surprisingly, he didn't hate the water. Not surprisingly, the effects of running water on humans is not dissimilar to that of the effect of running water on dogs. He stood beneath me and peed right down into the drain!

Suddenly, he started scratching like mad indicating he wanted the fuck outta there, so I opened the door and freed him, only to realize that he can't be trusted. I quickly hopped out of the shower and looked around the house for him. He wasn't inside, so I ran out to the back deck in only a towel (hi neighbors!) and found him like this, taking a shit in the garden. My friend Briana said that it looks like I ate him, then immediately threw up, ejecting what you see above.

Not a bad idea!