Kids R' Boring

I had to get something for my nephew's birthday, which is um....today? yesterday? tomorrow? I know it's soon. He's turning 13, which is just the most awful age. Although he lives with my parents for half the week, I have only seen him once in the past 3 years. My annual trips home coincide with his annual trips to Florida, where he and his dad visit and mooch off my sister. The times I have been home at the same time as him, he's usually up in his room playing video games and watching Adam Sandler movies (simultaneously) with his dad, who also ignores me. I couldn't be any more of a polar opposite from his dad (my brother) who I've affectionately named "White Trash Brother," but that's a story for another day. I know nothing of my nephew's personality or interests, aside from the video game thing.

What do 13 year olds like? Want? Need? I don't really know.

I decided to avoid being creative on this task since he's probably not going to appreciate anything interesting or thoughtful. Why can't I have a neice? Why couldn't he be turning 16? I decided on a gift card to Toys R Us, since they sell them at Safeway now, on the aisle enders, and I didn't feel like going anywhere near a mall or any store that he'd shop at in my hometown.

It amazes me how all the boring chain stores now have a gift card presence in every Safeway these days, encouraging shoppers to express their lack of individuality and creativity on every holiday or special occasion. Placed close to the register, it's almost like they are also double-dipping in the evil (or is it cleverness?) by targeting the impulse shoppers. Right before you check out with your weekly installment of junk food, you can grab your tic-tacs, overpackaged single Bic shaver, and a $50 gift card to REI. Thank you, Safeway.

My choices were Olive Garden, Best Buy, Toys R' Us, Blockbuster, Chili's and a bunch of the other standard suburban hellholes. It was bad enough that I was shopping in Safeway, which I normally avoid at all costs. The fact that I had to choose the lesser of these eveils still weighs heavy on my mind. But at least I can take comfort in knowing the joy he'll feel when he buys the 44th game for his PlayStation 2!

Buying that gift card took an incredibly amount of willpower, as the concept of supporting a horrible chain store in general is against my better judgement, not to mention contributing to the fact that my nephew is just another child consumer doomed to a generic life of consumerism. But sometimes you can't fight the fight. Or maybe you can, but it's not worth it...not like I'm going to see or talk to him any time soon anyway. The alternative, finding a gift I'd be proud to give, would be too costly, time-consuming, and exhausting. Not surprisingly, those feelings are pretty much the exact same reasons motivating consumers choose these large retail chain stores in the first place.

Happy Birthday, Nick. Enjoy!