the mystery of The Tuck
Yay Friday, you don’t know how happy you’ve made me. After one week of working out and getting to bed at an insanely decent hour, I am yearning for a nice glass of wine (or four) and some catchy rock tunes. We’ll be heading to the Living Space show at Brainwash Café tonight for just the antidote to all this cardiovascular insanity.
As I used the bathroom just moments ago, a strange conversation I had with a few of my girl friends came flooding back to me. One of them leaked the secret of all male secrets: The Tuck, we call it. Apparently, when men have to poo, they need to tuck their meatwands into the inner rim of the toilet seat as to prevent misfires when contracting the intricate system of muscles down there. There are a few funny things about The Tuck 1) the visual is quite comical to me 2) penises are bendy 3) what if yours is so long it dips into the water? 4) think of all the germs, pee and spashback that the head is subjected to when it’s swabbing the inner rim of the bowl. This is more sad than funny, really. I just recoil thinking about that, since I am a big fan of squatting and hovering. I don’t want any piece of my body to touch any toilet, no less the most important part of my body.
I still have my doubts about The Tuck. Can any male out there confirm or deny the existence of this practice? I would Google it, but I fear the repercussions. Just the other day, I was trying to Google “elderly grey pubes” after clicking on the first result, my computer contracted a virus. Never google the words “elderly grey pubes.” It’s a trick! Just know that when you’re old, you’ll have a silver bush and there’s nothing you can do to avoid it.
On a semi-related note, I was told yesterday by a 14 year old that my roots are visible. While it’s slightly embarrassing and unfortunate, it is true. Having visible roots is synonymous with being a trashy loser, but I just can’t bring myself to buy the dye again. I’m lazy and I’m not all that happy about how my hair looks anyway, so why bother? Maybe I'll just buy a Trans Am with some badass T-tops and complete the look.
As I used the bathroom just moments ago, a strange conversation I had with a few of my girl friends came flooding back to me. One of them leaked the secret of all male secrets: The Tuck, we call it. Apparently, when men have to poo, they need to tuck their meatwands into the inner rim of the toilet seat as to prevent misfires when contracting the intricate system of muscles down there. There are a few funny things about The Tuck 1) the visual is quite comical to me 2) penises are bendy 3) what if yours is so long it dips into the water? 4) think of all the germs, pee and spashback that the head is subjected to when it’s swabbing the inner rim of the bowl. This is more sad than funny, really. I just recoil thinking about that, since I am a big fan of squatting and hovering. I don’t want any piece of my body to touch any toilet, no less the most important part of my body.
I still have my doubts about The Tuck. Can any male out there confirm or deny the existence of this practice? I would Google it, but I fear the repercussions. Just the other day, I was trying to Google “elderly grey pubes” after clicking on the first result, my computer contracted a virus. Never google the words “elderly grey pubes.” It’s a trick! Just know that when you’re old, you’ll have a silver bush and there’s nothing you can do to avoid it.
On a semi-related note, I was told yesterday by a 14 year old that my roots are visible. While it’s slightly embarrassing and unfortunate, it is true. Having visible roots is synonymous with being a trashy loser, but I just can’t bring myself to buy the dye again. I’m lazy and I’m not all that happy about how my hair looks anyway, so why bother? Maybe I'll just buy a Trans Am with some badass T-tops and complete the look.
posted by Freewendy @ 2:03 PM
3 Comments:
At 1:51 AM,
Jefferson said…
While The Tuck is mostly myth(The Dangle is more commonly used,) there is the occassional need for aim--due to the Magical, Ever-Changing Flaccid Penis' reaction to body and room temperature. This usually only requires The Shakedown to make things right.
Toilets are normally large enough and deep enough to keep men from experiencing The Dirty Drag. If they are so well-endowed or forced to use Lilliputian-sized facilities, they can then exercise The Hook. This technique is as follows: create a hook with the index finger, place it around the underside of the penis and place the thumb atop the opposite side. Lift with the hooked hand while gently pushing downward with the thumb. This bends the head of the penis into the toilet while shortening its overall length. Urinate freely.
Caveat Emptor: Any man careless enough to let his penis touch any part of a toilet is not worthy of your time or reciprocal body parts. Of course, it's impossible to know this and, thus, is simply a part of the mystery of dating creatures with external reproductive organs.
At 2:34 AM,
Sim Carter said…
OH MY GOD! I'm so glad I cruised by your neighborhood. I'm going to ask my husband about the whole dangling thing. YUCK! And as I'm the toilet cleaner in this family I know first hand just what a grisly mess a penis could dangle in. Probably would be too big for comfort though if it met the water.
As for grey pubes - I have 'em! As well as roots on my head which I'd let go to a length of 3 inches because I was so apathetic about what to do with my middle aged hair. Been bleaching it, streaking it, weaving it, highlighting it and coloring it blonde since I was 15. When the roots hit the 3 inch mark I went RED. So my skin doesn't match my hair and make me look like the washed out rag I really am.
At 10:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
Look at the shine on that beast.
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