Dancing on Naughty Ice

I've got my friend Ju-lay-Cuppah on the mind today. Great girl, contagious laugh, and unparalleled powers of wittiness. She stars on a t.v. show (that i made up) called "Dancing on Naughty Ice" with her sidekick Nookie Fookin' Haley. They host the show from inside a hot tub filled with hot, naked 19-year-old boys. The hot tub is on wheels (of course) and each week they are in a new location, causing all kinds of trouble.

Two summers ago, she came to Sacramento (sans hot tub) to visit her friend who just had a baby, so we drove up to ol’ Sac o’ Shit to meet up with her, because she’s that funny. I found some notes in a journal from that night, which landed us in a gay karaoke bar with a large, ravenous group of die-hard country fans. We were disappointed at first, but then the night took a turn. You know you had a good night when you vaguely recall singing 3 karaoke songs but can’t remember a single one.

Notes:

Ju-lay to Sacramento: “Not only will I outdrink them, I will smoke their cigarettes and steal their men!”

“Remember that time that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson sang that god-awful Anne Murray song “Can I have this dance?” and everyone in the bar barfed cuz it smelled like rotten wontons?”

On singing James Taylor
“Who hasn’t seen fire or rain?? I’ve seen broccoli and I’ve seen cars! I’ve seen Ozzy and I’ve seen Lita!”

President Bush about Karaokee
“Three words: Dave. Matthews. Band.”

“I’m trying to pick the blackest song I can find, and it’s ‘Chumbawumba.’ "

“Right Place at the Right Time Doing all the Wrong Things” (verb): To find yourself singing Grease songs at a karaoke bar and showing your tits to strangers in a town that you’re only visiting for a business conference (Also known as Pullin' a Ju-lay)

I guess the moral of the story is avoid Sacramento nightlife. Or maybe the moral is don’t avoid it, because if you embrace it, you’ll always remember most of it.