How to get in your landlord's will

In a brief interview with Triple T, we discovered that winning the riches of our landlord is not as tricky as it seems. It's certainly easier than killing off your brother's wife so that it looks like she offed herself and then setting him up with that stranger on the bus with the cute kid. Oh...I'm getting a head of myself. Back to that interview I was discussing. My UltraSignificant Other & I are always saying how much we love our tiny little apartment and how we want to own it. Considering real estate prices in San Francisco, we figured the only way for this to ever happen would be to somehow end up in our landlord's will. After much brainstorming, we threw in the towel. Then we had a chat with Triple T, who is a mastermind of all subjects. This is what he said.

1. If you wrote a murder ballad, who would you include as characters in your song?

A drifter (and maybe a love interest or a whore)

2. If you could snort cocaine in heaven, who would you cut some lines with?

J.C.

3. Tell us a story about yourself and a coal mine.

As I remember, I was, ya know, being shot to death or leading a picket line. All we wanted was a 90 hour work week.

4. Can you tell how much of an asshole a person is by their haircut?

Yes. But for guy haircuts only. Assholes have multiple tin foil dye jobs and messy hair on purpose.

5.How do you feel about rainbow holes? Would you Google them?

Good times! How could it be anything but wonderful? And yeah, I want to Google them right now.

6. What do you think about people who keep the same pair of socks for more than 8 years?

I didn't think it was possible. My max life span is five years.

7. If you were going to get yourself into your landlord's will so that you inherited her rental property, how would you go about that?

You have two options--First, stage saving her life from a really bad accident. Make sure you have accomplices in the near-death set up. Watch Law & Order or...better, Matlock. Take a minor injury while saving her to ensure you'll get her money (guilt) like a stabbing. While saving her, make sure you pretend not to know her. If possible, pretend to damage the floors.

Option two is to have your landlord crippled, and then become their caretaker (see: Misery).