found: She thought the boys were playing a joke on her

Walking to work the other day, I found this poster on a telephone pole on Duboce St. (not to be confused with this other crazy flyer I found on Dubcoe St. a few blocks down). Glancing at the headlines, I knew this was a keeper, so I tore it down and looked into some of its claims. It's a fascinating story, but the facts are a little shaky. Turns out there is a King Crimson, but no Queen Crimson. Are those code names? Winning a spelling bee sounds like a joyous, even innocent, event. Read on and you will find a story spanning 40 years, lacking any morsel of innocent joy. (Subtract 10 points for a misleading, innaccurate headline.)

The story seems to be about a fellow named David Bradbury Haning, who uses a halo symbol over the A in his name. Again, the halo might symbolize innocence or even piousness, but don't be fooled, the halo symbol is also used on the C.I.A., P.I.A Hitler, and Hells Angels. (Subtract 5 points for misuse of a symbol.)

Apparently, in the mid 70s this David Bradbury Haning character won a national spelling bee, but was told by the Hells Angels that he didn't deserve a trophy, because he's not beautiful. Here's where it gets good. The Hells Angels make the following claims:

"Every winner is predicted."

"There are no losers."

"Nothing can ever be earned."

"Imagination is all that is real."

"The feeling of success is love."

"Hells Angels find 'success' by facing all their fears."

"No fear, No shame."

"Everything is challenged."

There are few statements in there that sound to me like inspirational wisdom. (Add 30 points for persuasion.) For a second, I imagine my self living a life totally free of fear and shame. My worries and fears become my friends and they end up smiling at me. My imagination takes over and the world becomes a wonderful place, free of suffering and responsibility. Everybody is rollerskating and it's happy hour and my body feels loose and relaxed. I'm in love and that's all that matters, aint nobody gonna challenge that. We are all winners!

Just as I'm getting really into it, the next headline smacks me across the face like a pair of soaking wet granny panties:

Jesus Christ throws the Book at the Judge
Ten Year Old Boy Sentenced to Death

Huh? Jesus? (Subract 35 points for injecting a mythical figure.) Where did he come from and why is this young spelling bee champ getting capital punishment? I'm not buying it. How could Jesus throw the Book at himself?

Next thing you know, we are in the 80s and the guy is working to clean out the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco. I assume that means steal all the cash, but it's unclear. Thousands of people are watching as a motorcycle pulls a 50-foot trailer filled with the loot over to Treasure Island where the Army assisted this David Bradbury Haning person in packing up the contents of the trailer, when suddenly the C.I.A. arrests him in his bedroom. Well, to be accurate, he says "I had myself arrested by the C.I.A. in my bedroom that night." This could be a poetic way of saying that his guilt lingered into his dreams. There was a 2-week televised trial and David was sentenced to death. (Add 50 points for plot twist and creativity.)

Yikes! This is the second time in his short life that he's faced capital punishment. (Ten more points for suspense.) It's not very easy to get out of it the second time. The first time you can just be all, "Look, I'm ten years old and I deserve a second chance!" and most juries will feel ya. But when your older and hanging with the Hells Angels, you better pull your very best McGuyver moves to get outta that shit.

Back to our story, now. The announcement explains that David spent 24 hours in the gass chamber when he broke the electric chair and proclaimed, "I am the Only High Voltage." Funny how a gas chamber whould also be equipped with an electric chair. But this is the goverment and they do like torture, so I'm buying that part. Next thing you know, they hook David up to a PG&E power plant, and he exploded all of the transformers. Nothing in my research turned up any evidence of a massive city-wide power outage during that time, but you know how the C.I.A. has all those contacts in the media. Plus, as David himself points out, "Hells Angels has infinite jigowatts." (Add 15 points for a badass line like that.)

Next headlines, lost again: Jesus Christ Goes to Bat for SF Giants

I'm not sports fan, so I can't confirm or deny that one, but wouldn't the Giants be unstoppable if the creator of the universe was in the starting lineup? (Subtract 5 points for confusing the reader and 5 more for talking about sports.)

Our story tragically and abruptly ends with NASA retreiving the "ball" and David is five years old again. And most mysterious of all is the very last line: "She thought the boys were playing a joke on her."

I don't know what any of this really means. It's got the basic plotline for a made-for-TV thriller, but with sprinklings of nonsense here and there. And wouldn't you know it, after all of my reserach and analysis, I forgot to look up one basic detail. Who is this guy? Turns out that David is the latest of San Francisco’s beloved eccentrics. He's even got an entry in Wikipedia. Boy, do I feel dumb. And by the looks of it, the story that I found is tame in comparison to David's other tales.

In David's defense, I'd like to share a quote about prayer and the power of religious faith from the book I am reading right now, by Sam Harris:

"Clearly there is sanity in numbers. And yet, it is merely an accident of history that it is considered normal in our society to belive that the Creator of the universe can hear your thoughts, while it is demonstrative of mental illness to believe that he is communicating with you by having the rain tap Morse code on your bedroom window."